Shadow Work for Aries Full Moon
The following questions are what I am going to be discussing, from the GYPSY TRIBE Shadow work cues that date back a few days (9-13).
This is just ONE of the worksheets we are working on as a tribe, and the questions are indeed deep. The question of lying is always one I struggle with, because exaggeration is a trait I love/hate about myself. When doing shadow work, I’m aware that perpetual exaggeration leads to pathological lying but we must also look beyond behavior routines and consider the reasons why. I remember being a young girl, being molested and abused on the weekend by my mother and step-father, and then facing French class on Monday morning where the introduction was always, “What did you do this weekend?”
Bus rides on Monday, meetings at the lockers when other peers were chatting about first dates and childhood fun, I was making up a story. I couldn’t tell people what was really happening, nor did I want to believe it in my mind - the lies were better for everyone, myself included. Eventually, I went through a phase of HATING lies and exaggeration, like BIG PHISH, and even resented my dad for all his colorful stories. He always avoided the truth, the dirty and ugly things, and replaced them with a fun and entertaining story…
Now, many decades later, I appreciate it and I see the game. I see how he uses his story telling, and how myself have become a great narrator. I don’t love my truth, but my lies are often things of the past and only used when exaggerating a story for the sake of the listener; with careful attention to when I become a liar. However, that of course, is a line that is different for everyone. My denial is when others tell me they think my crazy reality is a lie, which is not usually the case. My lies are usually to cover up the unbelievable.
I THINK OF THIS SONG when I think of lying in my mind - and how it is used to be helpful and hurtful. Mostly hurtful to me.
PROMISE: I only realized recently, that my obsession with working in law enforcement and applicably in the field of forensic psychology is because I promised myself once, a childhood Sarah, that I would be better than THEM. The officers that shared a beer instead of rescuing…
The investigators that said my mom wasn’t worth it, the lawyers who got paid more than my mom could afford, the police that never showed… why and how could my step-dad have done this to six other women? Gaggles of sons named Junior? No one noticed? What number victim was I? I couldn’t believe it, and I wouldn’t believe it, and so I promised myself I would become the HERO. I would rescue myself… and somewhere, in all the student debt and expectations, I only have my Master’s (not the PsyD) and I’m not wearing a badge anymore… I ‘quit’ to work from home and have a better life… but then WHY do I feel guilty? Why the anxiety when nothing is wrong? The abuse is left unsettled because a promise was broken…
It’s why I struggle. A published author? Mom, wife, degree… none of it saves the little me, I haven’t seen a change, I have done enough…
PRIVILEGED: This is a hot topic - one I might consider doing a video blog on because it has reared its ugly head at me so many times. I appear and have many privileges, most of which I think are taken for granted. I have clean drinking water, I have internet at my disposal, I’m reasonably attractive woman in my prime - I know that these are unique to me, given and not earned, and for that I’m thankful. I think other things come to mind and those get dicey… as someone with Cherokee and Sinti ancestry that I love to celebrate, I have been faced with a lot of assumed associations with this word and issues that resort to the color of my skin… therein, one must be careful of their language, perspective, platform and opinions. Myself included.
TABOO DREAMS: This question is weird, and I’m assuming it suggests the psychoanalysis of your dreams, fantasies and things that others consider taboo. I know that for me, I love the idea of being watched (a particular self-exposure therapy for forced performing as a child and for stalker) in a controlled setting - like myself as the ability to be MOULIN ROUGE and be in control of being watched - which is unique to me, but not to humans. I know my lifestyle of ‘witch’ and talking about spirituality and death, demons and ghosts, is quite taboo, but my community and family are all accepting so they are no longer an issue. I think fantasies of being rich are normal, having private jets so I never have to see people in high-stress situation that keep me from traveling more, but perhaps - corruption? I see the romance in those who are deviant and doing what you shouldn’t in religious realms. The scenes of women making priests blush in the confessional were always FUNNY to me, and not BAD. There is a playfulness there with biological demands and urges and religious attempts to control them.
The shadow work for me in this category is painfully clear - I adore spiritual deviance and the dark taboo stuff is always something to tickles curiosity. I meditate on THIS SONG for this question.
AVOIDING: I avoid anger, more specifically my rage, because I don’t have a healthy outlet for it. I am always surrounded by my children, or someone watching, and my rage is too much for some to see. It changes how they perceive me. I have a demon, an abuser, and very dark ghosts that haunt me… I keep them caged and at times, that rage seeps out like a moment of no control- and they break free. I don’t ‘see red’ but I feel my heart pumping, my mind racing, my fists clinching, my nails satiating to break my own skin, anger so hot that makes me want to DESTROY something - anything - that dares get in my path. It’s harmful, it’s hurtful and to most, it’s scary. Even to myself, it has become scary, because with children, you must hush it - or else you continue the cycle.
I boxed for years. Not to get in the ring and tell people, to have a belt, but to get hit in the face. Crazy huh, I know. But I wanted to desensitize myself to flinching - so my step-dad wouldn’t have power. I wanted to punch, be punched and feel pain on my terms and learn to use it. I enjoyed street racing, adrenaline pushing activities and risky behavior because there was a secret undercurrent of depression growing. A demonic spiritual voice asking if I was lucky enough, deserving enough, to make it out of these situations. Looking for validation, control, love, and understanding in all the wrong ways.
Once my life calmed - my mom died - my step dad died - the storms settled, the anxiety spilled over into my reality and ruined me from the inside out. My ghosts had managed to do their deeds beyond death and I was creating my own nightmare, because I was so used to it - but now I had children, big-eyed and looking at me, in the corner. For real, little hands and little faces, little beings that only want your love… and I only had anger at times. It was scary to think how much like my mother had become, despite all my efforts I felt closest to her in those moments, the rage would summon her like a zombie from the grave, and I felt a sense of familiarity (though it was not right).
Rage, anger, channeling my ghosts of fire and abuse, in a healthy way and in the presence of children and onlookers has been hard. The hardest thing to date.