Shadow Work with Mercury moving into Scorpio - Oh Hell nah
Astrology has Pluto (big life transformation) moving into Capricorn (loyalty strong) and deep inner tides moving, whether we like it or not. Things ‘happening’ and though we feel our souls smiling, our heart beat increases. Mercury (communication) is speeding up, getting foggy and moving into perspectives of Scorpio (fiery scorpion) which tells us that our once peaceful and docile emotions are going from flowing and bubbling to over-flowing and smoking!
Mars (our will to fight) is moving into Libra (balance) and is late to the show, and now we feel as though our motivational fire is something to stoke, not a spark to catch… but an ember to protect. Focus on relationships, stability and drive are very important right now. With that, I made sure to keep today open with no clients or students, and to wait until the end of the day to do my live-readings on Facebook. I wanted to meditate, ground, process and the WORK before connecting with others.
Today I have found a lot of deep meaning when being quiet - taking silence to heart and putting headphones on (which usually increases my anxiety).
My musical meditation, has been the two following songs. Taking deep breaths, focusing on the lyrics and singing it out loud as long and strongly as I can; with my soul chords.
Being LOUD and ANGRY:
The Shadow work is here again, so with the headphones on, I meditate and write it out. The truth. Here goes: The questions to consider these past few days:
In what ways are you UNauthentic, and why?
Do you hold grudges against others that you could let go of? Why is your motive for holding onto them?
The source of my greatest fear.
Waning moon suggestion: How can I release my greatest fear(s)?
Well, this sure is a mouthful, heartful and brainful of mush that most of us don’t want to deal with, but that IS what shadow work is, going into the dark and scary places that we usually leave alone. The darkness within, and it sure can get ugly, scary and a place to ‘trigger’ emotional and mental fear, anxiety or even sadness. The negative stuff, the harder stuff, the stuff that gets piled up when left too long and eventually (presenting mental health symptoms) it piles OVER into our space, against our will.
The dirty laundry of our lives.
The first question is a big deal in my life and something that I often discuss in private with my husband and dearest friend, Anna. “Authentic” is so clear, so defined, and yet to me - a psychology major - I see that it is so very subjective. I find that only few people are authentic in public, authentic to themselves, or authentic to their lovers. It is clear to those who know me best, know that I am NOT the person you see online. I am, but I am also ‘not’ Paranormal Sarah. I have many roles, many assumed positions, and with them, their outfits and attributes. When I put on high-heels and go out in public under a stage name, getting paid, a ‘professional’, I can usually do things I otherwise cannot. THAT person can overcome anxiety when pushed on stage, and like the days of ‘mommy dearest’ when performing on cue… it’s like a light turns on.
When I’m in the presence of someone I really trust, I might enclose a fear or rant out loud. I’m honest, I’m ‘me’ but I wouldn’t say I’m authentic when I’m out of my intimate space. You might think you know my favorite food, or my mannerisms, but it is likely I’m putting on a whole show to make my situation the ‘most efficient’ as I CAN in the equation, it is how I maneuver my mind… a teardrop on the fire, from my own eyes. I remember how fearful I was when I started sharing my online persona more freely, and the line between conferences and ‘stage Sarah’ blurred with technology and the diminishing of privacy. I feared that people would see the light shining through me, like a cheese grater, and see that my personality is so much a facade to comfort my own (not insecurities) triggers for control. I dress, act, speak, challenge the moment in time to be the BEST and I usually understand I will need to be adjusted, my ‘bowtie’ smile straightened for the approaching moment. I was fearful, and still am, always questioning that ability to manipulate myself, thus manipulating others indirectly, by perhaps seeing how malleable I am to my environment. Now I know that my flexibility is a strength and my ‘fear’ of being unauthentic is based on what OTHERS perceive. The truth is knowing I can never know, control or even manipulate BELIEF of OTHERS but that I only see myself in others, I see my struggles with being authentic when my empathy sees everyone faking it - and my raw persona feels like salt on a wound -
I know me. I know my strengths. So, I’ve shed the concern I might be perceived as unauthentic, but that in reality, that IS the authentic part about me. I’m always willing to be an actor, for the sake of a better show.
The SONG that comes to mind for this :
Grudges? Letting Go? Yeah, that is a weak spot I think all of us humans have, and it sucks. I know I have let go of a lot of my grudges and my hateful feelings. I have let go of envy, jealousy, I have leased myself from those who have hurt me in relationships and even sold my underwear or Craigslist or fed bleach to my dog. I’ve let go of the hurtful things, like the bonfires fed with my family scrapbooks or the time you pawned my grandpa’s hand-crafted clock; things I loved most at that time in my life.
Letting go of these ‘things’ and events, people who were toxic and attracted to my self-destructive ways, and letting go of my ‘want’ for certain scenarios to play out has been hard and painful. I’d say there is still a sour taste in my mouth, like a lone salt crystal stuck in your tooth and dug out hours after your snacking session. A pestering spot I occasionally break free and taste from time to time, always bitter.
Some things I know I have yet to let go of, is judgement. I linger in the shadows of reapers and gatekeepers because in many ways, I envy their wisdom and ability to take such serious tasks and do them with ease. How does Anubis weigh the heart and mind equally? Age and time, wisdom and experience brings us the answers and I’ve waited with salivating patience for the taste of my mother’s love to go from bitter to sweet, and it never digests well. Never can my mind forget, forgive, understand and some moments cope with the pain my mother has caused her own child - how does a mother do this to a child - how does a person birth a thing and eat it alive?
I have said the words, processed the thoughts, cried the tears but my heart is never lighter, my mind never clearer, when I get stuck in the abyss of judgement. Now, as a mother myself, the weight of this burden has actually gotten heavier. Some moments, so dark, I cannot bear the thought of even pulling the string in hopes of cutting it free.
I feel like I’m pulling on a wet, dark, heavy chord within my soul that seems ominous, like I’m pulling something dangerous from the depths and I only want to let it sink back down as my hands grow dark and soggy, holding on, but never a hook… never an end… just an ocean of shit, an anchor of judgement. I see it, feel it, and yet I don’t know WHY it lingers. I ask myself what my motives are for ‘keeping it’ and I know it is because I cannot cut my mother’s hate from my life without removing her completely. We want that sliver of what should be good to grow back healthy, like a mistakenly saved Skink lizard that grows back their nub. I know, however, that when I sever my mother from my soul, she will not live anymore. Nothing will grow back, nothing brighter or shinier, no ‘better mother with new perspective’.
When I cut that chord, my mom will be gone completely. Not just dead in her grave, but gone. I’m not sure I want that quite yet. I kind of miss her… or at least I think, I hope I do. What kind of person would I be, if I didn’t even miss my own mother?
MUSIC Meditation for ME:
The source of my greatest fear is an interesting place for shadow work because it implies the thoughts of my physical fear, spiritual fear, mental fears and emotional fears. I see my energies broken down this way and they sort automatically and quite easily this way. Physically I’m afraid of parasites, which whether we go down the alien or sexually abused wormhole, still psychoanalytically makes sense because of my fear of independence/codependency. My spiritual fear is that I continue the abuse of my mother and never let go of the judgement I have upon her before I die, quite honestly I believe this is my karmic lesson and when my anger bubbles, my fear of HELL ensue. I know if I died today, the fear of reliving this scene scares me to death - and the cycle of anxiety begins. So, I’m always trying… but never doing, and I know this. I fear this. See previous question, sigh. Mentally I fear losing my mind, ability and wherewithal to think cohesively. When or if the day passes that I am unable to speak my will, I want to be put down. Knowledge is power to me, and learning is freedom. To take this away from my life would be to smother my life. Emotionally, that is a whole can of worms that I worry about. The shadows that grow in my peripheral and that have become ANXIETY in the past few years. Not being emotionally free because of my lingering hurt, my emotional pain, my unprocessed darkness that I don’t even know exists… I can feel the water but I cannot see the horizon line. If I walk past the shallows, I may swim for the rest of my life in open water, never finding a shore. I feel like there is a lot of trauma there and though I try to let it out, like a dog on a piss break, with writing - I know it is not appeased.
It’s a beast not under my control when let off the chain…
I practice releasing these fears and growing my strengths against them daily, moment by moment, like a whispering serenity prayer in my mind. I try and practice moderation and let my darkness help shine my light for others, but I don’t deny others.
I cry a lot. I write a lot. I publish very little and I feel very little sense of accomplishment. I get sick with anxiety sometimes I wallow in pity from knowledge of my potential and the feeling of my reality, a heavy sickness keeping me close to the ground like a gravestone. I also do amazing things, and I do break the cycle of shit from time to time, mostly when in the company of others - for their sake - but also my own. Mostly so that a legacy of me can be brighter than the reality of me.
It goes back to being authentic. My authentic self, the ‘real Sarah’ is 70% dark and unorganized darkness. The 30% is what I hope to expand, to let rise, to see spread over time…
MEDITATION SONG: I sing this to myself and remember that FUTURE Sarah loves Present Sarah just as PRESENT Sarah loves Past Sarah. All different, all the same.
If you read this far, bless you. The shadow work is hard… even when thinking about pushing the PUBLISH button on this. Appeasing the voices of ‘did you even try to spit that out in a decent way’ despite knowing it’s a loogey of crap.
I want to make sure the spelling is correct? Jesus Sarah, no one cares. That’s both the problem and the answer. No one fucking cares.